Anus Envy

Anus Envy

Don't ask where the title came from. I just liked the sound of it.


Wanna know how much sleep I got total last night? Go on, guess. Guess.... NOPE. Wrong. I got about a total of 2 hours, if even that.


I spent most of the night laying there studying my husband's face. Because, I felt like it. If he woke up and saw me, he probably would have been quite frightened. Because I would have been.


Then I sat there and I tried to imagine what the birth of this baby would be like. Would it be easy like my son's? Would it be a huge scary mess like my daughter's? Would it be a cross of the two? I then tried to imagine his weight, and what he is gonna look like.


Then I sat there I realized that it was really damned cold outside and the bedroom window needed to be closed because at that point I had a migraine headache building up. So I closed the window. But then I got hot. Because, well, I am pregnant and get hot flashes. So I got up and put the fan on low.


Then I realized my headache was worse. So I took some Excedrine. (shut up, I know it's not good for the baby, but at that point, it wasn't doing either of us good the way I felt.)


And then I sat in the kitchen where I took the Excedrine and I fingered through some magazines.


Then the meds kicked in and I fell asleep. And just as I drifted into dream land... my son walked in my room and launched his bottle at me and asked for me for more drink. So I got it for him.


And then I layed back down, and the baby was up in my womb, and started doing all these strange twisting motions like he was competing in the synchronized swimming competitions. So I sat there another 2 hours and looked at the wall.


When I did fall asleep, my dreams were a fucking mess of my neighbor's upstairs, and their bald headed son running rampant with red shoes on. I would wake up and shake it off, and then go back to sleep to dream about my mother in law eating a huge hoagie sandwhich while talking to me and I would try to decipher her bread language and I would then wake up again and notice I needed some water and I needed to pee.


By the time Hub's alarm clock went off, my daughter had waltzed into my room to declare she saw a morning star and sat there in front of me with my curtain wide open looking at it, as Hubs got up and got dressed. I smelled coffee and heard tiny bits of conversation going on between the two of them. Then Hubs kissed me goodbye and daughter came back in to sleep with me. She slept. I layed there.


I would drift in and out of strange dreams and sleep until my son was in the middle of his sister and I are laying and started beating on us, screaming "ME NEEDS MORE ROOM PEOPLE!" I then screamed at him and my daughter to get out and go to their rooms, and they started crying like someone was beating them.


Oh yea, and at some point during the night, my cat bit my toe, because I was invading HER space. She screeched some banshee like screech and bit the fuck out of my toe.


So I awoke, I made eggs. And I sat on the couch in a zombie like position for two hours trying to make sense of the fact that I was awake and had to stay awake for the kids sake.


Oh yea, and I am constipated, too.