Monday, September 06, 2004



I just got the pain of my life. I am sitting here, doing nothing, as I always do on this PC, and WOPOW. Cletus the fetus just kicked the crap outta me. That shit hurt, Cleet. You hurt mommy bad, my bud.

Anyhow, I was coming on here to discuss the disgust of Miracle Whip.

It is neither miraculous nor whipped.

It's fucking nasty. I hate it.

I was trying to make myself some tuna. I know pregnant women shouldn't eat tuna. But I eat it, like I drink caffeine and all kinda shit I aint supposed to eat, according to studies done by "the doctors who say you shouldn't eat shit". None of my kids have come out with three heads or fins so don't feel sorry for them.

Anyhow, I was making some, and went to get my all time fave. Hellmans. Hellmans is the shit. Hellmans, is made from hell and man and is full of fat and deliciouso oil and egg whites. Made into a perfection never quite duplicated.

I had none left. I had to go the fridge and see what else was there. There sat Miracle Whip, staring at me from the side of the fridge. I ignored it and searched. It continued to stare at me and said "you have no other choice, bitch... eat me."

So, I reluctantly brought it out onto the counter. We stared each other down for a few minutes. I put into my mixture of tuna and carrots and celery and onion. I heard faint screams from the concoction.

As I ignored the faint screams of the vegetables and dead canned fish, a glob fell and landed at the feet of my cat. She looked up at me. She looked down at it. And she smelled it.

She ran. She ran fast.

I ran with her, and we embraced. We never looked back.

Miracle Whip is fucking evil. It is not mayo. It never will be, and no one can make me eat it. No one.


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