Saturday, November 20, 2004

Auntie is that you!?

Auntie is that you!?

I think I got my period. Not the stuff after you have the baby. The period. You know... Good Ol' Aunt Flo?

Dearest Aunt Flo,

Hello. How not nice to see you. You and your horrid little self made it at the six week mark. Always were on time, never late, unless a baby was made.

Seems like you can't wait to spend the rest of my natural, womanly life with me. Now that I am done making babies, that is. You are planning on making my life miserable, aren't you? Yes, I know you are.

It doesn't matter that the doctor tied, fried and layed to the side the good ol' fallopian tubes, you STILL make your way here every goddamn month. You bring along Uncle Cramps, and the Bloat twins. You make me crave bad things that are bad for my skin and my ass. You literally constipate me. You make me insane and lash out at my kids and husband and my cat. You make me double over in pain and overdose on Ibuprofin.

Listen here, Missy, I have been living with you for 20 years. TWENTY FUCKING YEARS. Longer than I have lived with anyone. Cut me some slack, will ya? Don't fuck me over as bad as I have had it. Just because the tubes are tied, don't get all spazzy on me and fuck me over to the point where I am incapacitated in bed all day writhing in cramping pain, while holding a chocolate bar in one hand and a bottle of Motrin in the other. Don't do that to me.

I gave you nice long vacations. Three of them. Each of them lasting nine months. So please, remember that as the holidays approach, ok?

your niece


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