I give up

I give up.

The baby is now sick.

I had to take him into the pediatrician today. He has a fever, and a cough. The doctor said that since he is eating, and the fever is staying low, that he should be over it in a couple more days. He said to monitor the fever, and to just monitor him.

I give up. I give up on everything. I knew that after having this baby was going to be rough, but I had no idea that it would be like this. I had no idea I would be so sick afterwards, that I would have fucking pneumonia, that everyone in the house would be taking turns being fucking sick, that this poor little newborn would be sick.

I feel like I have not been well in over a month. I am sick of this shit. I am sick of being sick, and dealing with people being sick.
I haven't even had a chance to really enjoy this baby. Or enjoy life after the baby. Or enjoy life. or breathing. Or normalcy. I haven't enjoyed one godamned thing since October 7th. Nothing has been easy enough for me to enjoy since October 7th.
If I die in 10 minutes, it would not surprise me. If a bolt of fucking lightening were to strike me from the skies and hit me as I sit on this chair, I would not be surprised.

I am beginning to feel that old monster creeping up again. I hate everyone. And I don't care.