Thursday, January 27, 2005

I smell like ass.

I smell like ass.

I did it.

I did what all of you, most I don't even know in person, begged me not to do.

I smoked.

But there is light, and not a cigarette light, at the end of this tunnel.
It tasted like ass. I choked on the ass smoke and it made me feel not only more asslike, it made me realize it's all in my assanine head. It's not gonna fill that void for me anymore. In fact, it never did. I just THOUGHT it did.

It gave me a headache. It made my stomach turn. And when I went to kiss my sweet little baby, who is learning to laugh and giggle and throw his legs in the air when he sees his mama, I felt dirty. I felt like a dirty gross mama for kissing my sweet little baby who loves me so. I washed my teeth like ten times before I kissed him. I love kissing him, that's a lot of brushing I would have to do if I kept this up.

So, me and hubs (yes, he smelled like ass and tasted the ass and choked on the ass all the same), are starting over at square one. We realized that those nasty things are not what we want. We have something missing inside ourselves that we need to find. Even if it means seeking that filling takes a lifetime.

Thank you, to all of you. To those who are my friends and love me, and those who are my internet friends and care. It meant alot.

Now back to your regularly scheduled ass program.


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