Thursday, January 20, 2005

letting go

Letting go..

I had to let go of someone who was once close to me last night.

I had to say good bye. As if I were on my deathbed.

I had to let it all go into the wind. 24 years of a friendship that was started in a little school yard in 1981.

I once had this friend, she and I were inseperable. We went through years of being children of addicts. We were each other's support when our parent's were going through binges of drugs or alchohol. We were each other's touchstones no matter how hard it seemed.

She even introduced me to my husband. She knew he was the perfect person for me. That's how close we were. We could finish each other's sentences. Pick up each other's step in a heartbeat.

She is now an addict. She is now lost. And me? Well, little ol' me has tried to pick up the pieces of what I thought was the puzzle to the schoolyard picture, and I have tried diligently over years and years to put it all back together. Last night, I gave up.

I had to let her go. I wrote her a goodbye letter that was worthy of a "spilling your guts and letting it all out" award.

Will she reply? I have no idea. I have decided if she calls not to pick it up. If she writes not to open it, and if she emails me I have her blocked.

She has thrown my frienship around like trash. Disappearing and reappearing back and forth over time. I can't do that anymore. Within two days of her trying to enter my life again, I felt drained, sick, and just not myself. She is not that worthy.

So, like I said to my husband, I could have written her "Abba dabba ooga booga, meet me at fuckensteins castle, where we will unleash the purple fur twats..." and she would read it the same fucking way as what I wrote originally. Because she is that lost. She won't get it.

But, I get it. And that letter was written for ME. For closure. For my own fucking good and no other reason.

I can't help but think of being in that schoolyard 24 years ago, and how a lifetime of having her in my life would end up so sadly.


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