Monday, March 28, 2005

Change my name, please.

I just lost a whole fucking post that I wrote out because my fucking household is insane and running all over god's creation like banshee's on crack and someone disconnected my fucking COMPUTER CONNECTION!


I am not writing it over again. Except to say that:

  • I hate my HMO because I only have 5 visits left with my therapist whom I haven't seen in over a month and I owe her a deductible I didn't know about that I can't afford, because my fucking mental meds cost $30 a month and isn't that enough???

  • I hate that I feel like I can't stand my own fucking skin. I hate that I am on edge and am snapping at everyone again. I think my depression is coming back.

  • I hate that I am dealing with a three year old who is stubborn as all hell and am trying to potty train him and he keeps shitting all over my house. He will piss in the pot, but God forbid he actually pinch a loaf in it.

  • the baby is cutting teeth. Cranky. Enough said.

  • My daughter has a nasty ass attitude and has been embarassing me in front of people by acting like she is an adult. When I punish her to her room for groundings or time out she screams as if I am Mommy Dearest "BUT I LOOOOVE YOU MOMMMMMYYYYYY! WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME!????"

  • My husband wants to come home and just sit and vegetate after working in a factory all day and I just want him to take over so I can breathe

  • I have no time to do anything by myself. I can't write, I can't take a shit, I can't go anywhere without a child whining or clinging to me. I have not been anywhere without a child in sometime. And I don't mean with my husband and me alone, I mean by MYSELF ALONE. No husband or kids. Just me.

  • If I do something alone it's when they are all asleep and I am risking me losing sleep just so I can enjoy myself.

  • I feel like I don't want to be here anymore. And I don't mean slashing my wrists, I mean running away and changing my name so I can start a new life. To Arizona. Where I can live in a trailor park and work in a brothel. Alone.


    Blogger Desiree said...

    Mari! I am so sorry that your household is driving you bananas right now! You are an awesome mom and wife - you have to be because you still take care of your family even if they are driving you batty - but if you ever wanna leave to AZ to work in that brothel, I can totally give you some referrals. {{{Muchos abrazos!!!}}}

    7:16 PM  
    Blogger Mon said...

    Keep writing. Seriously. Your posts are fabulous. Rock on!
    Un abrazo!

    11:17 PM  
    Blogger Karla said...


    Chica i am sorry to hear that your household is driving you crazy. If i lived in Ohio i would offer to babysit for a while. Hey maybe you could ship them over to me in Denver i will watch them for a while and then send them back. I hope things get better soon. Un abrazo!

    11:22 PM  
    Anonymous OldHorsetailSnake said...

    In the words of Satchel Paige:
    "Don't eat fried foods; they angry up the blood. Jangle gently as you move. Don't look back; something might be gaining on you."
    In the words of Ol' Hoss: "Keep smiling." Precious.

    Hey, kid, my offer still stands. You know my email.

    3:19 PM  
    Blogger mixedupmama said...

    That last paragraph is everything I feel. I have only 1 and I can’t imagine 3. I’m having a hard time dealing right now. So I made some changes, hopefully the sky doesn’t continue to fall on me. Things can only get better, no???
    I love your posts you write some of the things I feel.

    5:08 PM  
    Blogger Mon said...

    Hi Mari,
    I hope your week is going better. Glad to see others can relate to what you go through. Maybe these experiences will turn into a book someday? You have the talent... :)

    7:41 PM  
    Blogger Alisa Lynn Valdes said...

    Mari - Since you lost the last one I wrote, I'll say it again. You write beautifully. You should be publishing books. That way, you could get a nanny for at least half the day. Here's my suggestion. Put together a collection of your posts here, with a cover letter, and ptich it to editors. Call the book something like "Diary of a Mad Latin Mama". Believe me, girlfriend. You'd get rich. Your life would improve. And you ARE good enough. You're funny enough. And SO MANY women relate to what you're going through, but few have the balls (ovaries?) or talent to express it like you do. When you're ready for an agent, let me know.

    10:48 AM  
    Blogger Desiree said...

    Holy Crap! If I seen that post from Alisa on my flippin' blog I think I'd pass out.

    Told ya that your awesome!!!

    12:45 PM  
    Blogger Mariposa said...

    I am flippin' flipping out~ Alisa just gave me the boost I needed. Sucias are the best thing that happened to me. You all help me so much. You all, my friends at home and all over encourage me so much. I love you all for doing this.

    3:06 PM  
    Blogger Tulip said...

    Okay, I know this might sound odd, but it worked for me several times when i was a preschool teacher for three-year-olds. Explain to him that the potty likes to be fed. And he needs to eat pee and poop to fill up his tummy. most likely he will laugh his ass off.... but it worked several times for me. Anyway, just thought i would help. Hope you get it all figured out.

    9:45 PM  
    Blogger Reese The Law Girl said...

    Working in a brothel, huh? I bet you'd make a lot of money at least. ;)

    1:39 PM  
    Blogger Caro said...

    oh mari, i'm sorry. about eveyrthing...which isnt exactly helping all that much.

    though i could tell you that i went through a horrible depression at its worst about three years ago, though it's generally a yearly seasonal thing, this year was much better, though greatly helped by being able to right having people like yourself appreciate some aspect of me when others didn't think the need to.

    if you disappear into the arrid zone i'll track you down and give you a Lily (my favorite flower, just because i think they're cool and i think you're cool, hehe) and a butterfly charm because forgetting is the smooth path with a steep drop off, while overcoming while maintaining a sense of the self as an indiviudal is the rocky bitch of a road that opens up into a world worthwhile.

    just so you know, lol.

    enough of me making no sense, love you dearly, friend.


    2:36 PM  
    Blogger Desiree said...

    Damn Caro, even your freakin' comments should be published!!

    Hi Mari!! Glad the sun came out and you're doin' better!!

    6:19 PM  

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