Friday, May 13, 2005

I give up

I have had a really bad week.

I am not going into details because they will bore you. And me. All over again.

One thing I am sure of, I can't write unless I am writing on a blog. I want to write a book. I began writing back in February, as part of my own therapy. So that I could find things that were of my interests and bring them back into my life. Such as writing fiction. I loved it, I loved how it felt. When I put my thoughts onto a screen and there were characters being born. I felt like I was on top of the world. I felt like I had finally found my purpose in life, and godamnit I was going to be a writer!

I am a writer. A writer of a blog. And as it seems that is all I will ever be.

I can't get my thoughts together. Not even thoughts that I had already written years ago, into some sort of order. To make sense of it all. To make some sort of story, whether it be my fiction story, or one that I was trying to put together that consisted of my old entries. I was going to try to put those old entries into some sort of diary type book thing. I can't even do that. I'm lost. I have no clue.

I have spent way too many nights, writing shit down, and then deleting it, just so I can be back at square one. My kids need me to get sleep, so I can be attentive and alert, and be a mom. I feel like I can't even do that right anymore.

I am also slipping back into depression. I cried tonight when my kids wouldn't listen to me. Everyone in my house stopped what they were doing and just stared at me. All I wanted was someone to hug me and caress my back and say it's going to be ok. But how could they? When they didn't know what the fuck I was crying about, and I seem nuttier than horseshit.

My health is fucked up. My mind is fucked up. My outlook on what I wanted on life- is fucked up. It seems unreachable. It seems too far fetched.

I had dreams of writing some great book, whether fiction or non fiction. Something. To make my mark on this world. But all it seems now, is I am just a really good blog writer.

And that, really makes me feel like a failure.

9 Comments:

Blogger Janette said...

Mari you are not a failure. I know you could be a fabulous author. Maybe you should take a break for a while... regroup and start again later. Don't give up!
AND....You already have a fan base and you aren't even published! =)

8:42 AM  
Blogger Karla said...

(HUGS)Mari you are not a failure. You are a wonderful mami and wife and i know that one day you will be a wonderful published author.

Could you start an other blog where you write your fiction or non fiction stories only?

I also agree with Janette. Take a break and re-group and start over again but please don't give up.

We sucias need a new book to buy and read.

10:12 AM  
Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Nobody can be a failure if she is attracting Ol' Hoss to her site every day. Ol' Hoss knows good readin' and writin' when he sees it (he just can't do it!). Ergo, Posie is not a failure.

So there. Put that in your crack pipe and breath deep.

6:27 PM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

You're not a failure.
Everybody gets down sometimes, you'll bounce back.

Besides "Mami you're lookin' so gooooo!" :)

6:33 PM  
Blogger jamwall said...

i like the idea of starting another blog for short stories. maybe thats a way you can develop some story/character ideas. stay positive mari! there's lots to be proud of :)

6:40 PM  
Blogger mixedupmama said...

Fuck, I feel like that everyother day. FAILURE FAILURE FAILURE. It rings in my ear at least 3 times a week.

Listen, you’re a mother, and of 3. Being a mother and wife is a hard fucking job. I mean hard FUCKING job. I got a part-time job just to get a break, dead serious. And I only got 1. When you got kids, especially one under 2 still (don’t forget), you can’t really expect yourself to have a free mind to do other things other than try to catch your breath. And by that time, the other ones are home, talking about their hungry, no???
Just take it one day at a time. If all you are is a blog writer, well you’re a damn successful one at that. At least your blog isn’t boring. It’s colorful, funny, deep, and honest… That’s more than I can say from half the people I know.
You’ll write a book, when it’s time. And maybe today is not the day, maybe this whole month is shot, but it will be time when the time is right.

6:54 PM  
Blogger Evelina said...

Hmmm, must be something in the air. I've been feeling this way for a few weeks now. I've been writing, seriously, for almost a year. I have 3 unfinished manuscripts and 2 new ideas. The thoughts USED to flow. And now they've stopped. Right now all I can think and feel is, f-a-i-l-u-r-e. I even took a creative writing course at one of the universities here and it left me with less desire and energy to write.

I say, keep writing Mari. Whether it's in journal/blog/scrap notes/letter/email format. Write. Write about everything and anything. There's a really good book out there called "Pen on Fire". Don't know if you've read it. But it's a "Busy Woman's Guide to Writing". I haven't even finished reading that (I barely have the ganas to write much less read) but what I have read so far has been helpful and encouraging.

Don't give up Mari. I'm not. I can't do the writing until 3 or 4 a.m. anymore. My body rejects it. But any tiny moment I have to scribble something down I do.

Kyra Davis is also a big source of inspiration for me. She struggled a lot through her life to get where she's at. She did it. So can we. Buena suerte. Keep believing Mari. Evelyn

5:58 PM  
Blogger Caro said...

yo se que tu tal vez no vas a leer esto, pero como yo no pudo leer so entry ayer, aqui estoy....
i'm just going to say that you are not a failure, you are amazingly talented, you inspire me everyday, and i love that i know you......even if it's through a blog.

4:09 AM  
Blogger Alisa Lynn Valdes said...

Mari,

I have two books out and I still feel exactly the way you do. I cried over this fucking manuscript today, before sending it to the publisher, because deep in my heart I feel that it is HORSE SHIT. That's how I feel about it. That's how I felt about the last two books. Now I pick them up and read a page or two and I'm like, "damn, I WROTE that? It's not bad..." But in the meantime, I am always, in the moment of creation, convinced that I suck huge donkey dongs. That I am no fucking good. I feel this way constantly, which might explain whey I end up falling for liars and losers all the time. At least you have that part of it right, no? At least you're not home alone, listening to the crickets, feeling like you SUCK, and knowing that every single person you love will end up leaving you. But enough about me. Anyway, the constant insecurity? I feel it. I'm feeling it now, afraid the publisher will call and say they've made a mistake and that they want their money back. That my career is going to end at any moment. The fear and insecurity NEVER go away, nor should they stop you. You will never feel like you are done. You will never feel like it is good enough. And you know why? Because you're GOOD. Because you're a perfectionist. Because you are a born communicator. The best thing you can do is stop "trying" to write, and just do it. That's what you do on the blog, and that's why it comes out so well. As soon as we try to write "writerly" we're fucked. Trust me. You just have to be yourself. Even if it's a paragraph a day. You'll get there. I promise. HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!

1:57 AM  

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