Thursday, June 30, 2005

little helper

Why do I feel the need to rescue the world? To make things better for other people?

Could it be the little girl in me that was always there to please? Afraid to let down my mom? My dad? My family? My teachers? My friends? The world?

I remember as a small child, having sleepless nights before a big test. Sleepless nights before the report cards were going out. Especially if it was the end of the year report card, where you would learn if you passed or failed. Even though, most of my grades were A's or B's, I would still worry. "What if" was always on my mind. Sleepless child I was before that card was in my hand. Nervous and just plain terrified. Of what? Of failure.

Somewhere along the line I just said fuck it. What will be will be. Que sera, sera. But that little voice was always in the back of my mind, pushing and squeezing and talking NON STOP. "You can't do this, you can't do that... you can't. You better do well. You better show the world". Sometimes, I would fuck up royal. Not because I didn't know what I was doing. But because I wanted to fuck up royal. I wanted to rebel against that goddamn pigtailed perfectionist from 1981.

I still have that inside of me today. Which brings me to right now. Where I am searching art information for my uncle. My uncle who has decided that art is going to be his ventilation from pain. Art that he loves and is extremely talented- in so many forms. He is painting. In his garden. He is letting out years of pent up emotions, and is forming them into works of art. Vibrant works of endless color and screams. Canvased out for the world to interpret. "Translate this", he is saying. And I want the world to see it. But I can't for some reason find where he needs to try and sell his work. I can't for some reason find a place for him to call. A place for him to exhibit his works.

Why are you searching for him? You ask. I am seeking a way for him to do what he loves to do, and where he can live from his work. Not live from his maintenence capabilities. He is an artist. Not just a carpenter, or a maintenence man. He needs to be able to show the world. So, I, have decided, to take it upon myself to find a way for him to do that.

I take on too many things at one time. I take on too many tasks. Why do I multitask when it gets me nowhere? I am nowhere right now. Not only in seeking him someplace to help him out, but I am nowhere in seeking a way for me to help myself out.

I guess I can do things for others most of the time, but somehow, I forgot how to do things for myself.

Scary, huh?

3 Comments:

Blogger Maddie said...

Can you take pictures of his work and post them on here? I'd love to see it!
That could be a start...

2:45 AM  
Blogger A~ said...

Yes, that is scary. We all have been there, though. You just need to remind yourself to balance things out.
I think it's a great thing, you trying to help your uncle. Maybe you could contact local universities and ask someone in the art dept. if they could direct you to some resources for him.. just a thought.

5:59 AM  
Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

There HAS to be a local art association (I would think). Google art galleries in your area. Or something.

12:24 PM  

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