Monday, August 23, 2004

Just babble

Just babble

I dunno if I like this layout or not, man. I have to leave it though, because being the html retardo that I am, I am not gonna go through all that jazz again, and end up not even blogging because I am such a dumbass and fucked it all up.

My crotch hurts. My crotch has been hurting for 2 days now. All i have done is go to the grocery store for an hour and a half and it felt like I ran a marathon. And Cletus the Fetus began digging his heels into my crotch area.
TURN LITTLE BABY TURN! At least do that with your head, and not the heels of your tiny little feet! Egads, man! Tiny Cletus feet hurt like the dickens, especially in your cervical area.

Wanna know what my diet consists of during the day? here it is:
Wake up: drink big tall glass of orange juice and prenatals
sometime in between: about 5 TUMS
breakfast: toast or something that doesnt make me have the runs
sometime in between: more TUMS
lunch: something that doesn't make me have the runs
sometime in between: more TUMS and some tylenol because my back is hurting
dinner: something that doesn't make me have the runs, but at this point will make me run to the bathroom between bites of my dinner meal.
sometime in between: TUMS and lots of water because the TUMS have made me feel dehydrated.
Bedtime: TUMS and more Tylenol because my back hurts like fuck and because I want the swelling in my anal area to go away due to the fact that I have already had the runs more than I can bear, despite all the TUMS.

If I second guess me getting my tubes cut, tied and fried to the side, please print this out and send it to me via FED-EX overnight.

Pregnancy is so ugly at 33 weeks.

Saturday, August 21, 2004

Egg Foo Fuck

Egg foo fuck

The kids stayed over their grandmother's last night.

It was a much needed break for the two of us, I tell you that.

When K got home from work and saw the kids gone, he lunged at my breasts. He whipped them out of my shirt and started slobbering on them. Going "ohhhh ohhhh! I never get to do this!" He was pawing at me like a freak of nature. I was screaming "chill out dude! chill the fuck out! be careful! Those melons are swollen!"

He wanted sex. Sex sex sex. Silly me, thinking that because I am fat and pregnant that I am just not in his interest anymore, when all it was, was that there are kids present in the house everyday. It kinda made me feel good. He was looking at me like he had fire in his eyes, and was groping me like a teenage horndog.
I didn't want sex though, but I did the womanly deed to get him off my breasts and to get some egg foo yung. I am such a whore. A whore for chinese food. Me love you long time.
So we went and got some chinese food and I ate egg foo yung with a tall glass of Mountain Dew and I fell asleep for 4 hours for the hell of it. I felt like I was basking in the sun on a carribean trip.

Then the egg fo yung turned ugly. I woke up from my nap wanting to eat the last one left. Well, actually, I knew there was only one left, but that we would split it in half. When I went to scoop up my half, it was gone. Gravy sat in the box looking up at me like a pool of poop.

"NO! there was only half there!"
"I didn't! Remember before you napped you ate some of that?"
"nooooooooooooooo! I ate a dollop of gravy with the rest of what I had before! YOU BASTARD!"
"Yea, I bet it was a dollop..."
"What about all them times? All the times you eat my other half of subs and that? And anyways, it was only half!"
"WHAT FUCKING SUBS?! WE HAVENT HAD SUBS!!!! Well you better go back to May fucking Wah and tell her she fucked us half of a fucking patty! GODAMN YOU!"

This went on for about 30 minutes. He wouldn't fess up. I stared at him and wished he would die. How could he do this to me? I gave him sex. I give him sex and he eats my half of egg foo yung.

Then about an hour later, he runs to the bathroom. Seems the foo yung did a deed on his foo poop. He had diarrhea from hell. He had to go to CVS and get some alka seltzer before moaning himself to sleep and rubbing his belly in circular motions.

"That's what you fucking get. You godamn chinese thief."
"You're so wrong, how could you wish this on me?"
"Because... you stoled my patty. You steal my patty, you get the runs..."
"Ohh... my stomach...."

Friday, August 20, 2004



Slowly, as I have said before, but surely, I am turning into Jimmy "Dynomite" Walker.

Thank you hormones. Thank you for blowing up my fucking nose and face. No one can do it like you can.

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Anus Envy

Anus Envy

Don't ask where the title came from. I just liked the sound of it.

Wanna know how much sleep I got total last night? Go on, guess. Guess.... NOPE. Wrong. I got about a total of 2 hours, if even that.

I spent most of the night laying there studying my husband's face. Because, I felt like it. If he woke up and saw me, he probably would have been quite frightened. Because I would have been.

Then I sat there and I tried to imagine what the birth of this baby would be like. Would it be easy like my son's? Would it be a huge scary mess like my daughter's? Would it be a cross of the two? I then tried to imagine his weight, and what he is gonna look like.

Then I sat there I realized that it was really damned cold outside and the bedroom window needed to be closed because at that point I had a migraine headache building up. So I closed the window. But then I got hot. Because, well, I am pregnant and get hot flashes. So I got up and put the fan on low.

Then I realized my headache was worse. So I took some Excedrine. (shut up, I know it's not good for the baby, but at that point, it wasn't doing either of us good the way I felt.)

And then I sat in the kitchen where I took the Excedrine and I fingered through some magazines.

Then the meds kicked in and I fell asleep. And just as I drifted into dream land... my son walked in my room and launched his bottle at me and asked for me for more drink. So I got it for him.

And then I layed back down, and the baby was up in my womb, and started doing all these strange twisting motions like he was competing in the synchronized swimming competitions. So I sat there another 2 hours and looked at the wall.

When I did fall asleep, my dreams were a fucking mess of my neighbor's upstairs, and their bald headed son running rampant with red shoes on. I would wake up and shake it off, and then go back to sleep to dream about my mother in law eating a huge hoagie sandwhich while talking to me and I would try to decipher her bread language and I would then wake up again and notice I needed some water and I needed to pee.

By the time Hub's alarm clock went off, my daughter had waltzed into my room to declare she saw a morning star and sat there in front of me with my curtain wide open looking at it, as Hubs got up and got dressed. I smelled coffee and heard tiny bits of conversation going on between the two of them. Then Hubs kissed me goodbye and daughter came back in to sleep with me. She slept. I layed there.

I would drift in and out of strange dreams and sleep until my son was in the middle of his sister and I are laying and started beating on us, screaming "ME NEEDS MORE ROOM PEOPLE!" I then screamed at him and my daughter to get out and go to their rooms, and they started crying like someone was beating them.

Oh yea, and at some point during the night, my cat bit my toe, because I was invading HER space. She screeched some banshee like screech and bit the fuck out of my toe.

So I awoke, I made eggs. And I sat on the couch in a zombie like position for two hours trying to make sense of the fact that I was awake and had to stay awake for the kids sake.

Oh yea, and I am constipated, too.

Friday, August 13, 2004

Someone stoled Jimmy Walker's noseAnd that someone would be me. I am sitting here looking at the picture I posted of myself over there to the left, where I describe myself. And I tried to make it look cool with the belly and all that, but that fucking nose, man.

What was I thinking? That's the thing, I wasn't thinking. I just plopped a photo of myself at 2 a.m. while being in a comatose state. I must change it.

I must put something up there pre-pregnancy, cause that shit is not kosher over there. The kids slept until 10 am. Talk about miracle. It would have been nice, but the fact that I slept in my son's bottom bunk, since he took over my spot in my own bed, didn't go well with my back. My back has spasms and sticks like a fucking rusty assed nail when I get out of bed, because the weight of the fetus is heavy. And because I am not 23 anymore. Being 3o and pregnant is definitley different than being 23 and pregnant.

Anyway, I was up and out and walking around like a fucking zombie all night. I would get up and crave Crush Orange pop and get up and find myself in a zombie state drinking out of the 2 liter. I would then piss out the prior Crush Orange pop craving and go back to my son's bunk, where my back would get all stuck again, then I would crave more pop, and so on. I did this all night. The last of it ending in me eating a balogna sandwhich with cold curly fries from the fridge standing up with the door of the fridge open at 5 a.m. My husband woke up to seeing me that way and just started laughing. I told him he better stop before I throw balogna at his morning face. I slept like shit and fetus had taken some sort of possesion over me which had me eating and drinking shit all night, and I had about 2 hours sleep.

I stayed up until 7, way after husband left for work, and just layed in my bed. I finally got some more sleep, but like I said, the kids woke at 10 and had it been a normal sleepfull night, I would be ecstatic, but instead I feel zombastic. simply fantastic. Zombastic with a Jimmy Walker nose.