Thursday, June 30, 2005

little helper

Why do I feel the need to rescue the world? To make things better for other people?

Could it be the little girl in me that was always there to please? Afraid to let down my mom? My dad? My family? My teachers? My friends? The world?

I remember as a small child, having sleepless nights before a big test. Sleepless nights before the report cards were going out. Especially if it was the end of the year report card, where you would learn if you passed or failed. Even though, most of my grades were A's or B's, I would still worry. "What if" was always on my mind. Sleepless child I was before that card was in my hand. Nervous and just plain terrified. Of what? Of failure.

Somewhere along the line I just said fuck it. What will be will be. Que sera, sera. But that little voice was always in the back of my mind, pushing and squeezing and talking NON STOP. "You can't do this, you can't do that... you can't. You better do well. You better show the world". Sometimes, I would fuck up royal. Not because I didn't know what I was doing. But because I wanted to fuck up royal. I wanted to rebel against that goddamn pigtailed perfectionist from 1981.

I still have that inside of me today. Which brings me to right now. Where I am searching art information for my uncle. My uncle who has decided that art is going to be his ventilation from pain. Art that he loves and is extremely talented- in so many forms. He is painting. In his garden. He is letting out years of pent up emotions, and is forming them into works of art. Vibrant works of endless color and screams. Canvased out for the world to interpret. "Translate this", he is saying. And I want the world to see it. But I can't for some reason find where he needs to try and sell his work. I can't for some reason find a place for him to call. A place for him to exhibit his works.

Why are you searching for him? You ask. I am seeking a way for him to do what he loves to do, and where he can live from his work. Not live from his maintenence capabilities. He is an artist. Not just a carpenter, or a maintenence man. He needs to be able to show the world. So, I, have decided, to take it upon myself to find a way for him to do that.

I take on too many things at one time. I take on too many tasks. Why do I multitask when it gets me nowhere? I am nowhere right now. Not only in seeking him someplace to help him out, but I am nowhere in seeking a way for me to help myself out.

I guess I can do things for others most of the time, but somehow, I forgot how to do things for myself.

Scary, huh?

Saturday, June 25, 2005

passion fruits and stuffs

I forgot what a night of passion fruit flavored rum, a porno, and two horny people who never get a chance to love on one another because they have three small children-is all about.

Weeeee! LOTS OF FUN!

I want more. More of my husband. Isn't that sad? That I want and crave him, but three small childrens have such complete power, that I fell as if they are wardens?


Thursday, June 23, 2005

black lights

Did you know negativity surrounds you at this moment? Did you know black light surrounds you. Think of a cloud. Above you. Black. Dark. Ominous. Waiting to shower you with blackness. Death, sadness, unhappiness, evil.

Did you know you can control that negativity? It all depends on how receptive you are to it. If you let it in. If you let it bust the bubble you have built around yourself. Your bubble of peace is vulnerable. It just depends on how you receptive you are to it all.

I have darkness in my world, my soul, but I chose to let it fuck itself right in the ass. Because I can not and will not let it burst my pretty, glassy, purple and pink, yellow and orange, blue and green bubble. My bubble filled with giggling babies, smiling people, fields of daisies and lilies. My bubble is filled with things that make me happy. Things that I love. Hearts and balloons, cotton candy clouds, oceans of glistening blue waters filled with mermaids. Skies that are filled with fire flies, ladybugs, and butterflies.

The passed few weeks, have had demons knocking at my bubble's walls. Trying to bite through with their fangs. Trying to tear at it with their claws. Kicking it with their hooves. Screaming banshee like screams. Making faces of evil at me from the other side.

I chose not to look or smell or feel this blackness. I choose to focus on my horizons. I have to, because if I don't- they will eat me alive.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

This old house

I went to visit my uncle yesterday. I havent seen him since the baby was born, even though I speak to him daily. He has been going through a rough time in all aspects of his life, and I needed to see him and take the kids to his little corner of the world. Being there and in my old neighborhood, helped me to feel my roots. My mother and I went for a walk as Keith and my uncle relaxed at his home. I needed to see my old house. My old yard. My old window. As we walked through, I felt like a giant. Everything that seemed enormous to me as a kid, was smaller. It felt as if I was almost walking amongst a tiny legoland. Did the houses shrink? Did I get too big? I think it was the latter. My old world was no longer this world I was walking in. I was just visiting and I could only stay for a little while. I wasn't part of the scenery anymore. And the scenery, was something different.

Instead of family friendly neighboring surroundings, were renovated homes, where my friend's homes once stood. Those that werent renovated were falling to pieces. And my old home? My home where I grew up, where my mother grew up, was falling to pieces. I felt injured in a way. I took my children through and showed them the field where I played baseball. I took pictures in front of my old home. As old and decrepit as it was. It was important for me to take that picture. I wanted to knock and go inside. I wanted to transform it back to my home. My childhood. But I couldn't. Bistros and cafe's lined the streets where little old "Dona and Dono stores" were once filled with penny candy and limber (coconut snow cones). Carribean and French eateries took their places. People listening to steel drum rythyms instead of the ice cream truck strolling by. There was one thing that caught my eye. And said what I was feeling. The graffiti on the wall on the corner of my old alleyway. It said "I heart you Cleveland" and under that in blue writing was another phrase "This is my life". Yes. It is. Even if I was no longer living there. Even if I was no longer that little girl. This is my life indeed.
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This is my old house. My old bedroom window is boarded up.

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in front of the old house with my children.

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The church next to my old home. I would stare out my bedroom window and daydream while listening to the church bells.

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Bistros and cafes.

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I love you Cleveland.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

You know you like it. Look at it. LOOK AT IT.

Thank you to my twin sister Maddie for this wonderful layout. YOU FUCKING ROCK SISTER GIRL.

Thank you so much, Maddie. You have no idea how much I appreciate this. You made my night.



GO ahead. Look at it. You know you wanna. LOOK AT IT. LOOOOOK AT IT!

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Gone Fishing

I have recieved many emails from readers concerned about where I have gone. I am here. Gone fishing. Here trying to figure out how to tame three kids instead of just two, being my daughter is home ALL DAY now and not in school.
And on some days... I have six kids here, being that I watch my friends three children as well.

So yea, I have lots to do other than blog. I need to watch kids. Feed kids. Entertain kids. Wash kids. Chase kids. Laugh with kids. Play with kids. Kids Kids Kids Kids.

Ryan is crawling and walking along furniture, so that is another factor. My freedom is going to be very limited for the next ten months. Once he starts walking, its hell on wheels, my people. Lots of me running and screaming "no no! don't touch! caca!". Stuff like that. Preventing him from eating rocks, Barbie shoes, tiny tonka trucks and so on.

I will try to update my life as much as I can, (mostly weekends or nights when I am not dead on my ass.) so you all won't forget about me, and you can read about how my summer is going. But do not expect tons of posts three to four times a day. Or a week for that matter, Lol.

I appreciate your emails and thank you all.

In the meantime, I am sunbathing with my kids in the pool. Going to the beach. Having picnics. Planning Brownie meetings. Planning two birthday parties. Planning BBQ's. Visiting family. Sitting in a lawn chair swiggin' a beer when the kids are down and sleeping... while I am feeling the summer breeze.

Happy Summer everyone!

Thursday, June 09, 2005

As TOM says...

I've discovered this past week that:

  • them chickens is ash and I am the lotions.
  • People can scare the living shit out of you, and make you back wayyy the fuck up and re-analyze your surroundings.
  • I have a good, pretty much long lost sister, in Maddie.
  • That Maddie has strange people, and lime rinds and salt in her brain.
  • That my eight month old can tire me, the fuck out.
  • That said eight month old needs to be contained in a cage.
  • That when school let out for summer, I got that nostalgic sense of freedom from watching the kids run out of the school and into their yards.
  • That people are not as friendly as they used to be.
  • About bra fat. See Maddie above.
  • About Napoleon Dynamite and how you can be entertained for two hours while quoting him in a conversation, and how you can simultaneously eat tomatoes and salt at the same time.
  • That my husband doesn't always wanna be used as my personal meat supply.
  • That my three and a half year old, wants the pool up, but once pool is up, he decided he is afraid of the water.
  • That I can overcome obstacles and not get down on myself, like I used to.
  • That I have sexy thighs and legs, even though I thought i was so fat, and that they look pretty good in cut off jean shorts.
  • That the man who lives upstairs, was checking out my tits the other day and it made me feel violated, and mad. And therefore I want to smack him like a bitch.
  • That men who come into our country with chainsaws stained with blood, can get away, literally, with murder.
  • That my brother and I love Dave Chappelle "RICK JAMES BITCH!" ... "THE TITTY MILK'S GONE BAD!".
  • That as life may send it my way... I will forever meet strange people and have to learn from them, and then one day, write about their strangeness in my book.

How was your week?

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Jane asks me

Jane Magazine asked me (no not really, pretend, mmkay?) The Five Really Key Questions questions:

Are you repressing any urges?
Yes, currently I am. The urge to bitch slap this chick I know at the moment, for being a complete mess and being a total waste of air.

What's the worst you ever screwed someone over?
Hmm. I could say I never have. But I would be lying, now wouldn't I? I mean we all have done this at some point. So let's see... I have to think way back here... oh... when I moved in on this dude my friend had the hots for. He was staying at her house one night, and I was as well. A kind of "we all got too drunk let's listen to some Nirvana and drink more and people can try to make out" type thing. The next morning, after he tried to get it on with her (and failed because she was being "naughty but nice"), I walked out of the shower with only a tshirt on and wet hair. Needless to say, he and I got it on about a week later. But he was an asshole, so I guess in the end, I screwed myself over.

What style trend would you rather die than be caught following?
The latest one in Hollywood, where women refuse to eat and look like walking bones with skin on them. Yea, that one sucks. I like my food.

Have you ever faked an orgasm?
Let's just say, I guess for the six years before I met my husband and was having sex, I must have faked it the whole time. Because I never knew what one felt like until I had one with him, and then I was like "ohhh, that's what's supposed to happen? I am supposed to have that kind of thing going on?". I was smiling for days after that first experience. So yea.

Who's on your "celebs to make out with" list?
Besides the obvious, John Mayer and Jake and all that. Hmm... I like weird and geeky dudes. Funny dudes. Jimmy Fallon is cute, he has something silly about him. John Stewart is a pretty cute dude. Again the funny factor. And good hair. I like the salt and pepper thing he has going on now. Vince Vaughn has a cornball cute thing going on. I liked him much in Swingers. OH! And Brandon Flowers of The Killers, is killer!

Life in a song

100 Years
by Five for Fighting

I'm 15 for a moment
Caught in between 10 and 20
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are

I'm 22 for a moment
She feels better than ever
And we're on fire
Making our way back from Mars

15... there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to lose
15...there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live...

I'm 33 for a moment
Still the man but you see I'm a they
A kid on the way
A family on my mind

I'm 45 for a moment
The sea is high
And I'm heading into a crisis
Chasing the years of my life

15... there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to lose yourself
Within a morning star

15... I'm all right with you
15... there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live…

Half time goes by
Suddenly you’re wise
Another blink of an eye
67 is gone
The sun is getting high
We're moving on...

I'm 99 for a moment
Dying for just another moment
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are

15... there's still time for you
22... I feel her too
33... you’re on your way
Every Day's a new Day

15... there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to choose
Hey 15... there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Seven Years

Image hosted by  I married this man seven years ago today. I love him more than I did when I said "I do". I still get a tingle in my body and a flutter in my heart when I see him across a crowded backyard full of people. feel it, stronger than I did when I said "I do".

I have said before in my posts, that I love everything about the life that he and I have together. So I will not bore everyone with more mushy mushy, well... not too much anyway.

This man, was and always will be my best friend. My knight in shining armor. We complete a life puzzle for each other. I feel protected from the monsters of the world with Keith. Something I had never felt with anyone. Anyone meaning my entire lifetime. In the nook of his arm, I feel like I have an armor of steel. Especially when naked & intertwined. Especially when silence surrounds our insane home, and we feel nothing but each other's breath, I feel armor around me, even when my flesh is exposed. Especially when my flesh is exposed.

The life we have built and are still building, excites me, makes me swell with pride, makes me glow. We have a strong friendship. A strong love. A strong honesty. Loyalty to each other is something that comes to us naturally. Neither of us have ever even thought of destroying that. We love each other too much, we have too much to lose, to even begin to think that way.

We struggle in life, with what life has thrown and what it will continue to throw our way. But we survive with each other. Always, with each other. The good times are more often now. The future is brighter now. We know that only good things can continue and that gives us a bigger peace.

I love you, baby. I love all you have given to me. I love your face and your eyes that are as blue as a sky. I love your smile. I love your breath. I love your lips and your voice. I love your strength and your heart. I love you. This much.

Friday, June 03, 2005

You Go Brooke!

Brooke Sheilds Tells Tom Cruise to SHUT THE FUCK UP!

And for me... I have to add my own two cents...
Hey Cruise, why don't you stop fucking with women who have depression and try to stop hiding the fact that you are putting on an act with Katie Holmes? Oh, and stop giving her herpes on the lips, too. And stop jumping on Oprah's fucking couch looking like a godamn moronic asshole.

You fuckwad... what would you know about women with post partum depression? Your ex-wife didn't give birth. SHE ADOPTED. How would you know first hand what it is like for a woman with this horrible disease? How would you know first hand how she suffers? How she can become ashamed? How she can become suicidal? How she can lose self worth? How she can silently put on a smile, but constantly cries behind closed doors because she is supposed to feel joy, but feels like slitting her wrists? How she can have horrible visions of things happening to her baby, and yet she can't understand why or how this is happening? Do you know?

How would you know, fuckwad Cruise, what it is like to watch your wife suffer and try to kill herself? Or how about men who's wives have killed themselves, leaving them with tiny children to be raised alone? How would you know how terrifying it is to watch the woman you love become someone else? To watch her slowly lose herself? To watch her melt down in front of you as you try to pick up her pieces and help her put them slowly back together.

I have an idea, why don't you take some fucking vitamins, and some fucking CLUE PILLS and learn that the world doesn't live on the belief that aliens are higher power.

And we thought we were crazy?

I know this... I will NEVER watch a Tom Ignorant Fuckwad Cruise movie ever again in my whole life. I shiver with disgust that at one time as a teenager, I enjoyed watching him dance in his underwear.

You go Brooke, tell that alien fucker off!

Thursday, June 02, 2005


I feel bright and full of energy today. Today is going to be a good day.

I felt it this morning as the shining sun and the cool lake breeze flowed. As I passed people's fresh smelling laundry on the lines. As I felt the grass between my toes.

Yep. It would be a good day.

I got a care package from my friend Wendy. She takes care of me. She sends me things for my kids. Things for me. That added the element of love and the feeling of friendship to my day.

My baby is smiling. He is back to his old little happy go lucky self. Another key ingredient to my special day.

I talked to Sis on the phone today, she agreed, what a sunny and beautiful June day it was. Friendship again, added to my day.

My husband called on his lunchbreak, and even though, the kids were in the background creating chaos. It was love and strength- added to my day.

My mommy called, I ate a good ham sandwhich, I ate a popsicle with my three year old son. Good day.

This kind of day is the kind you inhale slowly, smell sweetly, and hope to have the next day, when all hell is usually going on.

Can I bottle a day and save it for another? Can I save the day and put it in a notebook? Can I taste the day and savor small morsels, put the rest back in a pastry box to eat when the days seem glum and gray skied? I don't think I can, but while it lasts, I will enjoy the taste.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

And he is better

Ryan is better. Not 100%, but almost.

Double ear infection. Pain. Screaming. No sleep. Scared daddy. Scared mommy. Temperatures of over 103. Scary.

The spots are from his high fevers. His high fevers were from his infection. His infection if from being born to me, who had ear infections forever in my childhood.

He smiled today, and he ate popsicles, and he crawled. And I knew he would be alright. I knew it was a better day.

People have often asked me "How do you do it? How do you take care of three children?". Some people have children of their own, and some do not and look at me like I am all lunatic.

I do it, because I love it. I love my life. I had a hard life. A life full of many times where I was lost and in the dark. At one point in my life, I was pretty much homeless. Living from family member, to friends homes. When I was in the dark, I prayed to God that I would find someone to love me. To take care of me. To be there for me no matter what. I lit candles and said prayers, and he came to me.

When I met him, all I knew is I wanted babies with him. I wanted to love him. To make love to him and have babies with him and watch babies grow together. At that time, all we saw were cute chubby babies with smiles as wide as the ocean. Not ear infection trips to the ER, not screaming babies at 2 a.m. with no sleep. Not six year olds with attitudes. Not three year olds with sleeping problems and transitional fragility.

But what I did see, was growing old with this man. Growing old with him and having babies with him, and with that... came babies, and things that I just do. I just love them, and do the best I can for them. And we manage. We struggle and we manage and we survive, because of these children.

My kids are the reason I live. They push me to be the best person I need to be.

I see in my children a life. A life for them and my husband and myself. A life of memories and pictures and smiles, memories of sadness that builds strength. Memories of me, at 70 something years old, with my three children and my husband sitting around, and feeling that blanket of love and strength and completely being enveloped by their presence.

Some days I ask myself, the same question. "How did I get here? What was I thinking?" and then, my baby smiles. Or my daughter hugs me. Or my son draws for me an imperfect little stick man on construction paper with a heart and he says he loves me. And then, I realize that within those moments, is my answer.