Thursday, October 28, 2004

lung chunks

lung chunks

That's what I have.

Here is what I don't have:
1. time to myself, except for now, which will be interrupted by either a baby crying, or a child running in here whining about how they can't sleep.

2. time with my husband. I don't think we will ever have sex or fondle one another again.

3. time to call my friend back on the phone, she has called me twice this week and I keep saying "hafta call Jen... hafta call Jen..." and then I am running to get a bottle or change a diaper, or to the bathroom to try and void myself before I forget.

4. that's the other thing, time to void myself before I forget.

5. a new haircut, like I wanted to get after I had the baby.

6. a hairless body, I have not had time to shave. I am apey once again.

7. a body. my body is all mush. its all doughy. I keep singing "my thighs are like dough... my butt is like dough... my skin is like dough oooohh ohhhh..." to the tune of "My love is like whoah" by the singer Mya.

8. a healthy body- i have a nasty chest cold. yay.

9. a million dollars to buy me a nanny so I can take at least 2 hours to nap to myself once a day. That's all I want. I don't want to go shopping, or go to lunches with friends, I just want a fuckin' nap, dude. that be all.

10. sparkly shoes.

Don't ask about the last one. I couldn't think of anything.

I hope Munson baby doesn't get the cold this nasty ass family has. We are all hackers with lung chunks. Please, God, good God of all creation, don't let my sweet newborn get this nasty chest cold. I will be out of commision until New Years if he does get it.

Can someone hand me a drink?

"My mommy needs a drink... hand her one. Thanks"

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

they're coming to take me away

they're coming to take me away

My children are out to get me.
All of them.
Even the little one.

They have become tiny demons that want to suck my soul and blood and want to inhale my sanity.

I also have a chest cold.
A chest cold. A sick baby. And two jealous siblings who are out to make me insane.

Life is love is it not?

Saturday, October 23, 2004

I eat shirts

I eat shirts

I have not slept but 2 hours in the past 24 hours. WEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I am fucking loopy! HEEE HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I got all three kids to bed and now I can't sleep. I took a percocet because my incision is tugging and I felt achy. I hope it kicks in real hard.

Baby Munson is well. Keifer is getting his first dose of how i have to juggle him and Mya and Ryan. He wants stuff and he wants it now, but has realized today, that mommy only has two hands. So, he waits patiently, for awhile. He gives me those puppy dog eyes he has inherited from his father, and i feel so bad for him. But he is going to have to realize, it's not just him and My anymore, it him and My and Munson Baby.

Life without my mom is taxing. She did so much for me. But I think I did well today for hardly getting any sleep and juggling the kids. The real test comes Monday when I take Mya to school and wrastle her and the other two together in the morning. I could always call the MIL to watch the boys, but it depends on the weather.

I keep reminding myself, that two weeks ago, I was in severe pain, and having all kinda shitty shit shit done to me. I remind myself, that I have come a long way, and that each week, I get a little bit back of my old self, and gain some control in our new family life. I have to remind myself, cause if I don't I shall go insane.

But then, again, I look at this face, and how can I go insane?

"Ok Lady, this belly stuff is not cool... flip me back over."

"I eat shirts..."

"dude, you're squeezing me way too hard, yo."

The three musketeers.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

What's it Munson?

What's it Munson?

Baby Munson

I keep saying that to Ryan. He is going to think his name is Munson. I have no idea what it means or where it came from, I think from being sleep deprived. My poor Ryan, I mean- Munson.
Call me strange. Just don't call me Sally.

Ryan had thrush really bad on his mouth and butt. We had to take him into the Pediatrician yesterday. Today it was better, half his tongue looks bubble gum pink again, the other half looks like a marshmellow. But within time, it will all be normal again.

Keifer has an upper resp infection as well, so, you take one sleep deprived new mother with three kids and add a case of thrush on the tongue and ass cheeks, a case of upper resp. infection and a case of upper resp. infection and double ear infection, and waddya got? Insanity.

Plus my mom leaves me in about an hour. I will be a weeping willow of mess come friday morn. I just know it.

Oh, I went to an appointment yesterday and they weighed me, and get this shit, I lost 45 pounds. I shit you not. I lost 45 pounds in 2 weeks. I guess a little bit of major blood loss and trauma to the body, is actually a good thing if you want to become thin again. I just hope I can keep it off. I have done this before with my other births, and then I fuck up and gain it all back and then some. I was able to wear my prepregnancy jeans on Sunday. Can you say What the fuck? Yea, scary. I feel like I in a surreal life, and living in the twilight zone.

I hope Munson sleeps well tonight for me. He did last night. Last night i slept 3-4 hours and it felt like I was on an island.

I feel as if I am a weepy pile of mush. I told my mom thank you and hugged her and began sobbing. I looked at my clean house, and all the things organized and in place, and I forsaw my future... a future of total disorganization and insanity. And I wept. I wept for the future.

Thanks Mama... you helped me, but now I must wing it on my own. The juggling of 3 babies begins.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

The story of my boy.

The story of my boy

He was born... sorry I haven't posted, I wanted to share with you all the story of my boy.

Being home has been good. I feel a lot better. The first couple days I was a bit overwhelmed with everyone coming over here, and with my mom being here and just everything.
I was home, but I had to readjust to being home and with a new little person, and a million people wanting to hold this little person. I cried a couple times, because the hormones were a bit much. I am much better now, though. lol. A nice cocktail of B vitamins and prenatals are making me feel back to normal.

Well, the birth was not picture perfect. Ryan is, but the birth will forever be a reminder in my mind, that tying my tubes was the best thing for me. I suffered a large blood loss, had to have a transfusion. It was traumatic, but worth it in the end.

When we got to the hospital they got me ready and I kept telling Keith that I felt something weird was gonna happen. He kept telling me to relax, but I couldnt. They wheeled me into the OR and gave me my spinal anesthesia. The anesthesiologist had problems giving it to me and hurt my nerves when he shot the first attempt into my back and it hit a nerve in my hip. He then had to redo it over again. I wanted to kill him, it hurt, and I never had that hurt before.

When they got me prepped, K wasn't in there yet, they put the curtain up, so I couldn't see below my chest and he still wasn't there. I thought I heard them begin the operation and still... no K. I was getting upset. Then I saw his sweet scrubs and his eyes behind them. I felt more at ease. He said they called him in there too late and had already begun, but it wasn't near the birth yet. So he sat with me. I began feeling kind of funny. Almost like someone was sitting on my chest. I told him this and he told the anesthesiologist, who in turn gave me more of something that made me more woozy. I would drift in and out of conciousness, which never happened before. I was always wide awake for the kids births, and K was getting concerned. He would call my name and I would come to, and still feel a weird sensation.

Soon, we heard the doctors say "you're gonna have a baby here in a minute"... K looked at me and told me to hold on, not to close my eyes, I mumbled I love you a couple of times, because I was scared. Soon, they were pulling and tugging with such force, it felt as if they were cracking my ribs open, they said "wow, big baby here, here he comes, broad shoulders!" and soon I heard him crying. They held him up and he was all goopy and fat and cute and screaming his butt off. I cried and told K to go over and cut the cord with the doctors. He said he would wait, he was concerned about me. I told him no, just go. So, he did. But he came right back. He didn't want to leave me there alone.

I could hear Ryan screaming, and honestly, that was what kept me ok. I was kind of scared, because I wasn't feeling right. K, kept stroking my hand and telling me it was almost over.

I could feel them snipping my tubes and it was really strange. While they were doing that, I was having a strange feeling again, in my chest. When they closed me up, it went away.

Soon, they handed me Ryan and I cried so hard. I couldn't believe he was here. I cradled him in the nook of my arm as they wheeled us back into the recovery.

My mom was waiting for us there and said he was huge and they were going to weigh him. I was ok for awhile, they weighed him, he was 9lbs and 7 ounces. I was in shock! I didn't think he was that big!!!

They were cleaning him and let us hold him awhile, and then I began feeling funny. I told my mom the pain was bad and getting worse, I told her I felt like I was in actual labor. The nurses told me that it was my uterus contracting, but I knew it was something else. Something was not right.

I soon felt a large gush of blood and huge clots, the size of a baby's head coming out of me. I started screaming and the nurse checked me, she said "Oh my god, I need the house doctor!" and she ran out of the room, my mother gasped and K turned white.

I felt more gushing and more clots the same size coming out of me. In ran 5 nurses and the house doctor who told me "honey, we have to do this so please hold on..." Soon, the doctor and nurses were pressing so hard down on my incision and had to go inside and pull more clotting out of me. I was in excruciating pain, screaming and trying to crawl within myself, I could feel myself trying to drift away so I couldn't feel this pain, and it took all I had within myself not to kick someone in the face. Here I had a fresh incision, in my uterus and people were pressing it and pulling on it. It was the worst pain in the world and I wish it on no one.

At this time, K began to lose it, he was feeding the baby for the first time and then this all happened. He handed the baby to a nurse and ran out of the room, my mother followed crying. They coudln't bare to see me like this, they later told me. They said I seemed to be giving birth vaginally.

They soon controlled the bleeding and stopped. They cleaned me and gave me more meds. I was crying and K came over and held me. He told me was sorry. And I said "why are you saying sorry? You didn't do anything." the nurse said "when you see someone you love, go through pain like you just did, you feel like he does, honey."

They soon moved me and the baby to our room and I was at this point feeling all kind of strange things. I knew K and my mom would be leaving soon for the night and I didn't want them to. So I was very teary and very emotional. They waited for me to fall asleep.

When I woke up through out the night, I was itchy all over my skin and bleeding a bit more. The nurse said the itchy feeling was from the DuraMorph ( a type of morphine). So she gave me some Benedryl to help me sleep.

The next day, the nurse on call said she was afraid I might have to get a transfusion, because my bleeding was so bad. I ignored her, I didn't want to hear it. I called K crying and he told me to relax, and that he and the kids would be there soon.

I held the baby and ate some lunch and thought I would be ok. The kids came with K and his sister and visited for awhile. Soon, though, I was feeling sick again. I had a nurse try to help me in the bathroom, but she left to get some linens for my bed, and when she came back I was on the verge of passing out on the bathroom floor. Two nurses came in and had to give me fainting salts under my nose. Soon I was being lifted to the bed again, my temperature was rising, and my blood levels dropping. My kidneys were acting funny, too.

I felt like I was dying, to tell you the truth. I told K, "please leave, take the kids, I don't want them in here seeing me like this." So he did. When he left they came in and told me I needed the transfusion.

I made a call to my mom and K and let them know. K was already on his way back after dropping off the kids. By the time he made it back they had just begun the transfusion.

Within an hour of the transfusion, I felt better. My levels were rising, my kidney's were working normally and my fever was gone. K joked to the nurse at one point, that "I have never been so happy to hear her bitching about how her hair looks like an afro." She started laughing. I was pissy cause I caught a glimpse of my hair and it looked like HELL. LMAO.

By Saturday night, I was feeling so much better it was amazing. Sunday I was able to walk around, my family and friends came to see me and everything seemed so much better. Seeing everyone made me so happy. Even though I was a sweating mess because of the meds, I was so glad to see everyone.

By Monday night, I was crying and wanting to go home. I had the baby with me in the room for the last 2 nights, and was so eager to go home it was insane.

I will never forget this experience, as painful and scary, it was worth it, and in the end, I look at Ryan and I am so blessed it is insane. I would go through all this over again, just to have him in our lives.

Please welcome to our world...
Ryan Joseph

Thursday, October 07, 2004

help... me...

help... me...

My kids are making it very difficult for me to like them, on one of my last days home before I go to the hospital.

They are beating each other, screaming, throwing shit everywhere, not listening, and just being plain demonic and alien like.

I want my kids back.

K has no idea what is in store for him when I am gone, and I am kind of feeling really bad for him right now, because they are going to drive him NUTS.

I told myself I was not going to yell at them or be angry with them these last few days. That has now become "I will not BEAT them the last few days I am home..." because that's the least I can do.

Keifer has taken to hissing. Yes. He hisses. When he is pissed at someone, he hisses and his tongue does this snake thing. My son is a serpent. My sweet sweet peanut boy, has now become a hissing serpent.

Mya is just sick and miserable and angry at the world, and she is like an old lady with an attitude.

Help... me...

Monday, October 04, 2004

Crotch the Vote

Crotch the Vote

I am so sorry if I scared the bejesus out of you with that huge stomach of mine.
I had to share that scary part of me for some strange reason. I guess, I am voyueristic?

I registered to vote today. I know, how last minute can I be? But hey, gimme some credit, along with getting my life in order for a new human being to enter our lives over here, I somehow, remembered today, that "shit, i have to register to vote it's the 4th!" so, that I did. Be proud of my ghettofied ass. I am.

I am on pins and needles this week. Every second of the day, I am anxious and trying to picture the goings on that will take place friday night. The craziness that ensues when you get your uterus opened up and they pull a baby out of it. The crying, the laughter, the first initial reactions... all that is like birdies above my head, constantly circling.

Chirp Chirp.

Friday, October 01, 2004



It is official. I am now a whale.
Enjoy your laughter... I have only seven days of this left.